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28 maart 蒙太奇 280308我过了
昨晚的外路考完,我的驾校学习也就结束了,在校内上简单扯了几句,怎么样也不足以记录这三个月的种种。虽然又重新有了双休日,觉得就像军训对教官一样,有那么一点伤感。毕竟这些人就会永远不再谋面,只有这只离破碎的记忆抚慰时不时撩起的思绪。
如果一个人能够把所有曾经遇到的,有意义的邂逅都声情并茂的记录下来该多好。
可能,上帝考虑那里面融入的情感会把人累跨?
20 maart 蒙太奇 200308抉择
还没有遇到过这么难的选择。原来预期,很多因素都是具体的,可见的,权衡一下不会有太大麻烦。
对未来不定性的猜测和对自己接受各方面挑战的能力让我举棋不定了。当抽象的因素制约你的时候,可能就比较容易犯难。其实,难不难,能不能成为所谓的抉择,一个因素还在于自己的态度。如果坚定,准备充分,那么即使迈出的这一步没有得到多数人的肯定,自己也不会后悔,毕竟生活需要的是付出,是问心无愧;而是不是选择了另一个就会更好并不一定。就像存在主义者秉承的,“存在先与本质”,人的行为和决策是为之定义的参考物。那么“做与事实不同的决定”这个假设本身就不落入人的存在定义域。可能有点主观主义,但生活是自己的;悔恨和假设永远不是主题。
13 maart 蒙太奇 130308生日记事
昨晚我的手机有点像年三十儿晚上。白天的时候也零星有快乐的字眼发送过来。谢谢大家啦。
今天下午lulu特地跑到白堆子,送了我《普罗旺斯写真集》,我也兴奋了一小下。让临时有会的我很是惭愧,还好黎总很快说完了,Mathieu也就用“that's it then”结束了长达40分钟多的碰头会。这才容得我去找久等的lulu。还好Mathieu看到我的朋友一句玩笑过后就闷头跟自己的烂摊子较劲去了。
上午任教练很是兴致高,跟我拽了很多军事秘闻。早上刚考过内路的南海舰队复员军人宋大哥估计之前没少私下报料。虽然我说的“中国没有大型军用直升机”这条是纯属瞎猜的,结果真在业余研究军事的任教练那里得到了验证。而歼10似乎热潮已过,但通过这番谈话,我还是再次意识到了国产军备亟待的进步任务艰巨。用任教练的话说,“咱们的飞机都太小了,太小了。”虽然不懂具体吨位,我还是觉得歼10刚推出那阵新闻的炒作有点过,虽然是进步,但我们还有很多技术仍然落后。谦虚为妙吧。
晚上的例会取消了,因为周二已经开过了一个,害得我快9点才填饱了晚上的肚皮。但下班前两封联系单,一封会议纪要的翻译(plus 为Mathieu同志的“键误”进行先猜测后指正的过程)让我又多滞留了将近一个小时。
到家,香喷喷的打卤面让我忘记了一天的疲惫。还是家好阿。妈妈说明年的生日不知你又在哪里和谁一起过啦,爸爸说到时候找伙伴们聚聚吧。我顿时思绪万千了,神路已经漂离到千里之外了。有感伤的时候,为时尚早。
一天就快结束了,心情复杂。今天中午呼噜了几口饭从家出来,还碰到了邻居王奶奶,告诉我赶快找对象,结婚生孩子吧,“24到28生孩子最好,30以后的女人啊走下坡路啦。”我应合着,不知怎么回答自己。我选择的路我不会后悔,有得必有失,这个平衡点只有主观的感受自主权衡了。不走老路的承诺是自己定的,这就是实现它的时候了。也算是挑战自己的一个体现吧,也祝愿自己能够在回首的时候,用实际的东西告诉自己,没有理由后悔,没有理由退缩,我不是失败者。
新的一岁,要活得更精彩。希望自己能有更多的进步。
加油。
10 maart Montage 100308Hi Me
This entry is totally constituted by others' works. It's from a website (www.futureme.org) where you can write email to your future self. Quite an interesting thinking huh? But the most attractive thing is this: you can read those the authors are willing to make public. I read dozens of them selected randomly by the web and I was deeply moved. 80% of what I read were self-encouraging pieces. I chose some to share with you guys.
1
Dear FutureMe,
Happy birthday! Don't be surprised. I know you are a forgetful person. (It runs in the family. This is your past me writing to you.) Today is very likely to be the most meaningful day in your whole life when the clock strikes 12 at night, you'll be an adult. Hopefully you have donated blood to the Red Cross Blood Centre as you planned. If not, just do it as soon as possible. You've finished the NMET for more than 10 days which must have been the hardest time for you. Your hard work will pay off. Even if you don't get high sores or are rejected by your dream university, don't be frustrated. Life ain't gonna be too easy nor too hard for you, and "Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, brilliant achievements, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable,but dull and completely pointless." You will achieve your goals. I have faith in you. You'll be away from home in two months.Take good advantage of this precious summmer holiday and prepare youself for a new chapter in life. At last but not least, remember me to your dearest and tell her "You"ll always be in my heart." Go for your dreams, dear me. I"ll be praying for you every step along the way. Bless you! the past you 2006.3.21 (written Wed May 3, 2006, sent Tue Jun 19, 2007) ---Emails like this are of great number there. I enjoy the optimism and objectivity in it. I though, seldom persuade myself in this neutral way. The writier is like observing him/herself above the head, knowing the bittersweetness of life and how to proceed to the goal. I need to learn that.
2
Dear FutureMe,
I just wanted to say welcome home to myself. I am sending this future email on the 31 July 2005. Brooke, baby, if I didn't make it home from Iraq...I love you guys so much. You and the rugrats have always been my world! Please know that I did what I did in the army because I needed to for myself. So please don't be mad. Just remember that the world won't stop now, the kids need you and even though I am not there...I need you too. Take care and I am with you always! Your loving husband....from the right hand of the father....
Brooks Andrew Wagner (written Sun Jul 31, 2005, sent Mon Jul 31, 2006) ---The only thing I want to know is whether he made home. There is a firm determination and strong belief between the lines. I hope he's with his family now.
3
How's being a farther?
Dear FutureMe, As I write this I have 3 months until I become a father for the first time!
I sit here scared and worried about the future, how Ill pay for the little one? will this change our plans to move to Oz? But I also sit here looking forward to meeting my child, watching him/her grow. The days are flying by into weeks and weeks into months, it won't be long before we meet, So when I get this in about a year's time. I hope that I will have looked into those little eyes and all my fears will just go. I do hope I will also feel a lot better than I feel know, maybe even sitting on the beach in Oz as a family with the worries I have now all gone. Well just reading what I have already written I am starting to look forward to the future, I hope that Ill look back at this and think to myself "what the hell was the mater with me"
Finger's crossed all went well with the birth and Michelle and the baby are happy and healthy and I have got over myself.
Hope you have had the best of luck
Myself
(written Mon Feb 27, 2006, sent Tue Feb 27, 2007) ---There is always worries and doubts before the miracle descends. The power of new-born's stare melts every barrier. 4
你现在变成你想成为的人了吗?如果没有,继续努力!
你现在一定很帅~~(呵呵)。办了公司了吗?得到你想要的东西了吗?没有的话,继续努力,你还有很长的时间哦,你才20岁! 努力!!!多为国家贡献一些,别忘了!还有很多人生活的不好,一定要帮他们! 你也发一封信给未来吧。 Your Sincerely, ZZQ (written Thu Mar 16, 2006, to be delivered Fri Jan 1, 2010)
---热血沸腾的青年。16岁写的,估计20岁的时候会有完全不同的想法了。 5
Dear FutureMe,
Today you could not start your car (2/4/05). It sucked royally & you were pissed.
(written Fri Feb 4, 2005, to be delivered Fri Apr 3, 2015) ---Funny. 6
Happy Birthday!
Dear FutureMe, How does it feel to be 29? In all honesty, I hope you are still around in 2010.
I just turned 24 yesterday, it's funny how life can bite you in the ass. Money has become the biggest issue in my life - the irony!!! I still hate money tho. I hope you still do, I hope you have not become another slave to the machine. I know you don't care about money, but I hope you are not worrying about it the way I am because your loved ones need supporting. I hope you and your family are healthy and happy - because that is the most important thing in this world.
Money is really tight as home - it's such a joke. All the family hairlooms are in the pawnshop, including my mother's wedding jewellery. My mother refuses - with sentimental reason I suppose - to give up the pawn tickets, so all our money (of 3 working adults) goes to the fucking pawn shop. This is why, despite the appearance of being a normal middle-class family, there is not 10 dollars between the 4 of us by the end of the month. We eat bloody tofu 4 times a week because it's cheap.
I feel so guilty, because it seems that we are here because my useless education cost so much. Yet, nobody blames me and I love them for that.
My docter nagged me last week about loosing weight, but I... can't help but not care. How the hell can I care or make an effort to loose weight, or dress well, or find love, or carve out a career when the spectre of my family going hungry hangs over my head?
I've stopped living like a normal person, like a normal 24 year old girl. I hope by the time you read this, you would have regained some normalcy. Or are you traumatised for life? If so, stop complaining that you don't have a story to tell and go write that book about your trauma you lazy bum!!!
(written Fri Dec 23, 2005, to be delivered Thu Dec 23, 2010) ---There is a sense of irony and humor in these words, pressed by the hardship of life maybe? At least responsibility parallels with these two as well, which will be her key to success.
6
Three decades ago...
Three decades ago, you were sitting around, browsing the web, (does that even exist anymore?) checking out futureme.org, and writing to yourself. Damn you were boring. Your birthday is in a week. You're gonna be how old? The 'right now' me is going to be 25 in a week's time. That means you're gonna be 55 years old!
Damn.
What have you done with the last three decades? Did you make a change in the world?
You used to be a political fire-brand. An unabashed liberal. Not afraid to stand up for what you believed in. The big question is, are you still???
Or did you wuss out, buy a house, start a family and get old, fat and lazy? Did you get content? Please tell me you didn't.
If you did, why?
Ahh well... Kids these days, eh? :)
Remember, though. Even if, at age 54 (soon to be 55) you feel like no one loves you, you're too old to make a change anymore, etc etc etc, remember something. THAT'S BULLSHIT. You can ALWAYS make a change. You can ALWAYS make things better. And I (you), will always love you. If no one else does, I DO. ALWAYS.
Ahh well... Peace out, man. Keep fighting the good fight. And maybe you'll have a beer for yourself today, eh? If ya made it this far, you deserve it... !!! :)
(written Fri Sep 3, 2004, to be delivered Sun Sep 3, 2034) ---Sending an email to your 30-years-later self... Pondering on the eclipse of age... 08 maart 蒙太奇 080308片断
今早不知怎么的,突然间想起了去年独飞Tallahassee的时候在第二架飞机上认识的那个叫Jeanie的老奶奶,我们当时聊了一路。
她去看望一个朋友归来(朋友住在哪城市记不清了,但她也是到NC的夏洛特转的机),自己家住在Dothan, 阿拉巴马,到T城再转机回家。目测60多的她虽然身材比较胖,脸庞并不臃肿,短短的运动头显得利索,但耳朵上大大的塑料圆形耳环着实是交谈中很大的视觉“干扰”。孤独度过了将近三个小时的我当然愿意有点交流。但不知为什么我们就聊起了伊拉克这个大话题,我以为她会是媒体所宣传典型的群众代表。可她非常支持这场战争,当我说到战争会流血的时候,她说其实这是必然的,什么样的战争都要流血。不过我没有具体说美国大兵好像有点分不清敌我,估计那样就没法聊了。所以我就立即转移了话题,说起了家庭和朋友。她看望的朋友前不久中风了,但他年事已高,可能因此语气之中并没有太多惋惜和伤感。我顿时想到自己老的时候,会有多少朋友坐飞机专程来看我呢?在上一班飞机她跟旁边的墨西哥女孩聊了很久,说非常喜欢和世界各地的人聊天。看的出来,这个老人性格很开朗,是那种愿意在自己家搞很多派对邀请朋友叙家常的人。
快到了的时候,她兴奋的说,“离家又近了一些,真高兴”;而我在想的是,没手机,没见过王霞,怎么跟她联系上,连她开什么车我都没问……不过她很关切的问有没有人接我,自己认不认得路。我说有个朋友来接。其实一句话,不需要损失什么,付出什么,就让心里觉得好像离家近了。
02 maart Montage 020308Sailing to Byzantium 驶向拜占庭I That is no country for old men. The young 那不是老年人的国度。青年人 In one another's arms, birds in the trees 在互相拥抱;那垂死的世代, --- Those dying generations --- at their song, 树上的鸟,正从事他们的歌唱; The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas, 鱼的瀑布,青花鱼充塞的大海, Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long 鱼、兽或鸟,一整个夏天在赞扬 Whatever is begotten, born, and dies. 凡是诞生和死亡的一切存在。 Caught in that sensual music all neglect 沉溺于那感官的音乐,个个都疏忽 Monuments of unageing intellect. 万古长青的理性的纪念物。 II An aged man is but a paltry thing, 一个衰颓的老人只是个废物, A tattered coat upon a stick, unless 是件破外衣支在一根木棍上, Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing 除非灵魂拍手作歌,为了它的 For every tatter in its mortal dress, 皮囊的每个裂绽唱得更响亮; Nor is there singing school but studying 可是没有教唱的学校,而只有 Monuments of its own magnificence; 研究纪念物上记载的它的辉煌, And therefore I have sailed the seas and come 因此我就远渡重洋而来到 To the holy city of Byzantium. 拜占庭的神圣的城堡。 III O sages standing in God's holy fire 哦,智者们!立于上帝的神火中, As in the gold mosaic of a wall 好像是壁画上嵌金的雕饰, Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre, 从神火中走出来吧,旋转当空, And be the singing-masters of my soul. 请为我的灵魂作歌唱的教师。 Consume my heart away; sick with desire 把我的心烧尽,它被绑在一个 And fastened to a dying animal 垂死的肉身上,为欲望所腐蚀, It knows not what it is; and gather me 已不知它原来是什么了;请尽快 Into the artifice of eternity. 把我采集进永恒的艺术安排。 IV Once out of nature I shalll never take 一旦脱离自然界,我就不再从 My bodily form from any natural thing, 任何自然物体取得我的形状, But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make 而只要希腊的金匠用金釉
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